Figuring out what comes next
There's a feeling. One that comes up every time I look at the industry that used to bring me joy, and a sense of purpose. Tech seemed to be this great new opportunity, a new world to build and solve all kinds of problems we humans have. A promise of creating the more effective, connected and kinder world.
Looking back, it feels terribly naive. The industry has shown it's ugly rear head - greed for power and resources, manipulation, misogyny. Quest for the perpetual growth based on burn-out individuals and exploitive practices.
The thing is - I was really good at my job. I still am. I'm quick to notice patterns, I'm a good (enough) listener, I learn quickly and I can apply lessons from other areas of life into tech quite easily. I recognise moods of people, I can cater to them, make people feel seen and heard. I can get a consensus out of a group of people. I thrived in putting out fires, short deadlines and adrenaline rushes of high pressure. Until I didn't. I've been questioning my role within tech together with the career path ever since.
Once, we were hiring for a business development role at a company I was working for. We had an applicant, who reminded me a lot of myself. He was driven, hardworking, always juggling 16 different projects at the same time. And when we discussed if he is a good fit for the role, one of my coworkers said an interesting thing - while we love his energy, he also seems to be thriving in chaos, which means he is co-creating it. It got me thinking - am I the same? Is the fact, that I thrive in chaos, also the sign, that I'm an active participant in it?
The answer is yes. The more I understand myself and the world, the more I can see the connection between my inside and my outside world. Whatever I feel/think/believe within me (accounting also for the unaware) manifests in my reality. Let's look at how it works:
- I believe I can only prove my worth by controlling chaos. Proving my worth is essential to the feeling I am loved and accepted.
I will keep finding myself in chaotic situations which I'll try to manage it, succeed, feel worthy, and subsequently land into another fire. Managing a high-stake project well results in getting more work, not less. If I am a great worker, my days get more stressful, because the difficult work is handed to me. It works, because I need to prove to everyone I'm worthy of love. - I believe I am only worthy, when I'm giving a 110%.
I will keep finding myself in projects (or relationships), where that will be expected of me. I will do most of the work, I won't delegate or expect much from others. It will prove to everybody I am important and that I actually know what I'm doing. If I don't give it my all, someone might find out I am just an impostor. If I am not of use, I am unlovable. I will do this until I burn myself out and keep repeating the cycle.
These are just two of the examples, I lived both. There's more. Every one of us has some level of this in our lives. So how do we break 'the spell'? There's a great question to help us: If we are co-creating these circumstances, what is stopping us from changing them?
The thing is - it ain't easy to accept the radical responsibility for one's life. 😬
(Still) trying to prove to our parents that we are 'good kids', who can follow this pre-defined path to success, keeps us in careers that are less than satisfying. Where we build things for others profit, many times with recognition and (fair) payment withheld. Climbing career ladders built for a subset of people and hitting the proverbial ceilings with every step. Is this really what it's all about? Staying in (work) relationships that were never built for us?
This is true for women everywhere. We are creators, nurturers and connectors. Talking to the women in my life I'm noticing a pattern - most of us struggle with the 'one career path for life' strategy. We have million ideas, we're reading 5 books at the same time, we're interested in different areas, which connect in all kinds of innovative and creative ways.
At the same time all the books, courses and success manuals tell us: pick one. Be one. Focus on one. Stick to one. While I do believe that we can't successfully hold 12 different threads in our hands and weave them in one coherent pattern, I also say f* the pattern. Let's experiment. The most profound art is always non-sensical. Sometimes you have to start with 12 threads to find the 3 that really work together, after you've added additional 6. It's fine.
I struggled with this idea, that I need to be only one. I need to shrink myself, to fit a box, and only then can I be successful. Why can't I be a designer and an educator at the same time? Have a security of the full time job and a side project? And be a (good) mother as well? Why can't I do women circles and work in tech simultaneously?
At some point I met a coach, who offered another perspective. What if this is actually my super-power? What if this need I have to explore many fields at the same time actually makes me unique and fascinating and can bring about things that are new and exciting and different? What if this is something, that defines me - in a very good way? What if this is something that the world needs more of?
Granted, there are ideas and beliefs that need to go for me to be actually able to do all of this. Let's discuss.
Nr 1: Weaving each of the threads at a 110%.
I can do multiple things at once, but running overtime and over my energy levels, will get me sick and burned out before I even really start. Another coach also told me, that my 80% is likely 100% of someone else, since I push myself too far. To keep in mind: work smarter, not harder.
Nr 2: The little thing called perfection
Perfection is the mind-killer, if I paraphrase Frank Herbert. Perfection is the little death that brings total obliteration. Needing to be perfect keeps us from moving forward. From experimenting. From actually finding our way, because the way is shown once the steps are made, not before. Starting something, committing to something for a set period of time, making an experiment.
Nr 3: I need other people to tell me what to do and validate my worth
There's little fires to be put out once you decide to build on your own. If I don't give myself the recognition I want from other people, I will end up working for someone.
Nr 4: (Financial) security can only be achieved with a full-time employment and/or in tech and/or doing the work I previously did
I come from a family where there always was financial strain. I learned that even if you work hard, money never comes and stays. I learned that one has to struggle to get by. As I grew up it kept me in a loop. The belief that it will be too difficult for me to build something sustainable enough to live comfortably, kept me in corporate structures. Building things for others took my time and energy needed to build my own projects and products. Hence I didn't build anything I could sell (or even when I did, I had no energy left for sales and marketing - rookie mistake), which kept me in my job. A vicious circle. Which I'm still in the process of dismantling with lots of internal work, healing and coaching.
The thing is, I have finally accepted a new direction. My direction. I'm letting myself dream and explore. It will take a lot of uncovering and dismantling of old beliefs. The path will open as I walk. I've always been fascinated with the feminine, the intricacies of pleasure and intimacy, psychology, and how we go about the world.
Life is an experiment. Our careers are an experiment. I don't accept that we are only one thing. I cannot. I contain multitudes.
If this topic resonated with you, here are some journaling prompts for you to explore:
- List all the truths you know in your gut are true (at least for you), and the world has tried to convince you otherwise.
- What are the boxes you were supposed to fit in, but are just not yours?
- What would you bring into the world if you believed all resources are available to you? You have enough money, time, courage. What would be uniquely yours?
Sometimes these answers take us an hour to complete. Other times, a month. Or a year. One step at a time.
